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Tell Adele & Elaine |
Dear Adele and Elaine.
I would like to share the following personal experience with you.
Our son, Ethan, is two years old. A little while back a technician came to
repair our house alarm.
He accidentally set the alarm off, which makes an awfully loud noise in the
house, and little Ethan got the
absolute fright of his life. It traumatized him to such an extent that he would
no longer go to sleep at night
in his own room as he always did before. Either myself or my wife would have to
pat him to sleep
on our bed and then put him in his room. Also, he would no longer play on his
own for a little while at a time,
as he used to, and he refused to go anywhere in the house unescorted. This was
driving us insane.
On many occasions during the day he would tell us the alarm story in his own way
(he called the alarm the "boep").
Every time he told us about the "boep," we would, thinking we were doing the
right thing, just brush it off and say
things like "no, the boep is gone" or "I don't want to hear about the boep."
After about a week of this I went to bed and read the first chapter of your
book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and
Listen So Kids Will Talk." It blew my mind that we were doing the absolute
wrong thing with Ethan. The next day I sprang
into action and every time Ethan told his "boep" story, I said things like "It
made you scared, hey?" or "Daddy also got
a big fright when that happened," or "I understand that it made you afraid,"
etc..., basically acknowledging and
validating his feelings as best as I could.
Well, the change in him was almost instantaneous and within another two or three
days, things were completely back to
normal. Thank you very much!
Kindest Regards,
Richard Botha
Johannesburg, South Africa
Dear Adele,
I read how to talk a couple of years ago but never put any strategies in place. I reread them this year, when my kids stayed with me for long periods in the summer holidays and saw great results. It has started to transform my relationship with the kids, always difficult post divorce, and is helping them to see themselves in a different role, minimize conflict and work as a team to treat each other with respect. I thought that I could only have a small impact on them as a weekend dad, but I am finding that with determination and use of the materials (respect for feelings, autonomy etc) I am helping them in their struggle to become independent and autonomous.
We have agreed some family values (not rules), relating to respect, support etc. I typed them up and had them laminated at work, to give them extra importance. They are on display prominently, and I often hear my daughter say "in this family we don't ......"
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
Charlie Warshawski
OUR FAMILY VALUES
We respect each other’s feelings
We play safely
We look out for each other
We support and encourage each other
We express our angry feelings without violence or swearing
We respect each other’s property
We respect each other’s privacy
We are honest with each other
We are a team
People are amazed to hear that the writing notes technique has worked wonders with my youngest, Jessica, starting when she was only 2 years old.
She was exactly 2 years 4 months when she started climbing out of her crib and visiting me in the wee hours of the morning! I would tell her that it was dark and time to sleep, but sure enough, night after night this new habit continued. So I must admit, even I was skeptical when I made her a sign and hung it on her crib:
Every night before bedtime, I would read it to her and she would giggle. Then I'd turn out the lights and say goodnight...And guess what?! No more night time visits! Hooray!!
To further explain how well the note technique works with her, let me digress for a moment... Jessica is such an easy going, pleasant child, who rarely whines, complains, or throws tantrums, and I attribute this to the fact that she has been raised on your books. I don't think I ever really raised my voice to her during her first 2 1/2 years of life!!! And then a couple of weeks ago, I was having a really rough week - a friend's husband had just lost his battle with cancer, my 7-year-old was having some school troubles, and I was worried about a few other trivial things. And I don't remember what Jessica did, but I do remember yelling at her...the first time that I ever really yelled at her. Her eyes got so big, and then she burst into tears.
So you think that it would've stopped me from yelling at her again, but later that evening she was pushing buttons on our new Ionic Breeze air purifier. And I yelled at her again. She looked up at me with those same, big, sad eyes and cried, "Mommy, please write me a note."
Of course, I felt awful, but I apologized to Jessica and forgave myself, and I then wrote a note for the Ionic Breeze. It said:
"Hands off! Do not touch! Thank you, thank you, very much!"
She hasn't touched it since.
Amy Leach
Dear Adele and Elaine:
I was so lucky to learn of your book while my daughter (now 2 years old) was still a newborn. After reading it, I immediately put into practice the skills covered in your book.
The other night I was struck by the realization of how often we've avoided tantrums in our home by following your advice. Of particular use has been the idea that when you can't actually give your child what she wants, give her wishes in fantasy.
Here's a few examples from our home.
-Kathryn wants cookies before dinner. I tell her that we can have real cookies after dinner, but we can have pretend cookies now. Then I start pretending to eat a bunch of yummy cookies. She joins in and forgets all about the tantrum she was just about to throw.
-Driving down the road, I point out to Kathryn a flock of geese that are walking around. As we drive off, she adamantly protests and demands "more geese!" I tell her that we'll have to look out the window for more and ask her to let me know if she sees any. She spends the rest of the ride happily looking for geese and pointing out some imaginary ones and other imaginary animals.
-Kathryn wants me to sing ONE MORE song before bed. I tell her that it's time to sleep, but if she closes her eyes and is quiet she can hear the song in her head. She's asleep 2 minutes later.
Again, I just wanted to thank you. I know that the information presented in your book will continue to serve our family well over the years.
Sincerely,
Karen S.
Hi,
I have a 6 and 1/2 year old son, when we start to get ready to go to bed he starts a tantrum. We have tried some down time before bed time, a routine which he gets a snack, a bit of television and also a story every other night. As soon as we say 'ok, let's get ready' he falls on the floor and complains he can't walk, doesn't want to get ready at all. Finally when we do get him into his bed he doesn't want us to put him down... We have tried to give consequences relating to the bed time, cutting down privileges and even trying to reason with him/ Also we have just taken him by his hand and without saying a word just bring him back to bed. We can't seem to find the way that works with him...Can you give us advice that we could just understand why all of this is happening.
Thank You
A Concerned Parent
Dear Concerned Parent,
Here are a few suggestions that might help take the battle out of bedtime;
1) Eliminate snacks right before bedtime. A snack can get a child charged up when he needs to wind down. If he's hungry, he can have a non-sugared snack well before bedtime.
2) Eliminate TV before bedtime. TV can stimulate children and leave them irritable, wanting more TV and feeling resentful at having to turn it off.
3) Consider changing the routine. Post a note:
Story Time begins at 8 p.m. tonight. Admission free to all children with teeth brushed and in pajamas.
Love, Mom
4) Ask yourself, "Has he had enough exercise? Is he tired enough to go to sleep? One Mom said. "I find if I run my boys like dogs, they sleep like little lambs."
5) Review the steps of problem solving in How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (pages 102-110) and use them to enlist your son's cooperation in figuring out what would help him make the difficult transition from wakefulness to sleep. When you get to the part where you write down possible solutions, you can offer any number of choices. For example, "Do you want your light dimmed or off?" "Do you want to sleep with your teddy bear or lion?" "Do you want to listen to soft music or would you rather have quiet?" "Do you want me to tuck you in now or do you want to read a while and call me in when you're ready to go to sleep?"
Finally, you can post the ideas you both agree to on his bedroom door and congratulate each other on finding some possible ways to make bedtime a pleasant time for all.