Letter From A Leader

 

Dear Ms. Faber:

I watched the CBS "Public Eye" segment about parenting in the nineties with total amazement.  That a renowned child psychologist could possibly be espousing the parenting approach that was presented was absolutely incredible to me!  I was so pleased to see that  the producers chose you to so effectively and graciously counter his approach.

As you well know, intimidation and spanking have not been successful ever in producing self-confident, well-adjusted adults.  Saying "I love you" after using these methods is a mixed message, to say the least, and only teaches that this is a way that you should love another person.

My organization, PRIDE of St. Tammany, has been offering How To Talk...to the parish/county for over ten years.  Our mission is to reduce the use of alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs in our community by youth through programs of awareness, education, and prevention.

How To Talk...is the most requested program we offer.  We offer it, not only because it is an excellent workshop, but because we believe that when families are communicating effectively, there is less chance that family members - particularly youth - will seek out alcohol, tobacco/drugs as an avenue in their adolescent rebellion.

Thank you for co-authoring this wonderful program.

Sincerely,

Cheryl F. Klein, Education Coordinator

Parent Resource Institute for      Drug  Education 

Covington, Louisiana    

 

Letters From Abroad

From Israel

Dear Adele and Elaine:

     After moving from Canada, getting settled in Israel and giving birth to our sixth child, I organized a group of English speaking friends and conducted the How To Talk... workshop for the first time.  We all loved it.  After a while I was asked by an Israeli couple if I'd give the workshop in Hebrew.  We met in their home- five couples.  I was anxious about giving the workshop in Hebrew, wondering whether the cultural differences would be a problem.  But they, too, loved it.

   I kept waiting for your books to appear in Hebrew and when they didn't, I thought to myself, "Why not me?"  I decided to introduce the whole program to Israel - all four books and three workshop kits - because by this time, after living in Israel for eleven years, I believed with all my heart that the whole country needed it.

     When the first book came out, I marketed it myself.  I called people directly, mailed letters to La Leche leaders and childbirth educators, and mailed books to newspapers and radio/TV stations.  I called every connection I could think of in the Ministry of Education and began giving sample workshops to school supervisors, principals, teachers, rabbis, and school guidance counselors.  I was even flown to Kiryat Shmona in the north to give a full day of workshops to high school and elementary  school teachers.

     I know that the strength to persist comes from that father who told me he decided to stop hitting his children, that mother who told me she now knows what to do instead of getting angry and yelling, the young woman who told me her relationship with her husband has improved, the man who told me his relationships at work are now better, and the parents who told me it has changed their lives.

     I feel fortunate to be able to pass on to others parents what I received from you.

With love,

Shoshana Hayman Israel

 

Editors note:  Those seeking to translate or otherwise reproduce our materials in any form must first seek specific permission from us. (Such requests are considered on a case by case basis.) 

 

Re-Appraising Praise

 

     In all of our books we talk about the drawbacks of typical praise that parents and teachers use to help children feel good about themselves (You're so good...great...terrific...wonderful...smart") and contrast these evaluations with the power of descriptive praise ("You did it"..."You figured it out"..."You stuck with that problem until you solved it!").

     In a recent issue of the American Educator, Carol S. Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Columbia University, reports the result of her research in an article titled "Caution - Praise Can Be Dangerous."  Her findings support our work and add additional insights, which we felt were important to share with our readers.

     In studies she conducted with 400 fifth grade students from different backgrounds in different parts of the country, all were given a puzzle task that was easy enough for them all to experience success.  One part of the group was praised for being intelligent.  They were told, "That's a really good score!  You must be smart at this."  Children in a second group were also told they had very good scores, but they were praised for their effort:  "You must have worked really hard."  The same students were subsequently given the option of either attempting another easy task or a harder one from which they could learn a lot.  Those who had been praised for being "smart" chose the easy task.  They weren't about to risk their reputations.  Those students who had been praised for their effort chose the challenging learning task.

     In the second part of the study the same students were given a set of problems that were deliberately made harder and on which they did not do as well.  Result?  The students who had originally been praised for being "intelligent" wanted nothing more to do with the problem and "felt dumb at having encountered a setback."  In contrast, those praised for effort enjoyed working on the more difficult problems and were eager to take them home to practice.

     The final test produced the most startling result.  Once again, all the students were asked to do an easy set of problems.  Those who had originally been praised for their intelligence in the first test, but who had done poorly in the second, now did worse than before, while those who had been told they worked hard did even better than before.

     When the students were questioned afterwards, it seemed that the different kinds of praise had had a profound effect upon them and led them to two very different sets of beliefs about themselves.  Those who were told they were smart thought of intelligence as some kind of gift, something they either had or didn't have.  Any setback was unsettling.  It meant they weren't as smart as they thought.  Worse yet, they believed that effort was a sign of weakness.  If they were really smart, they should be able to "get it" without working.

     In contrast the children whose efforts were appreciated had a very different reaction.  They experienced setbacks as simply an indication that more study, more effort was needed.  They saw intelligence as something over which they had control and which could be improved through hard work.

     What does all this mean to us as parents and teachers?  It means that we need to think twice before telling a youngster, "You're a great athlete...a wonderful artist...a whiz at spelling."  Instead let him hear, "It's not easy to connect a bat with a fast ball at just the right instant"..."So you drew another picture of a farm -- only this one has a barn and horses"..."You've got your own method for teaching yourself new words.  You write them, say them aloud, and write them again until they stick in your head."

     We want to give our children the message that the process is as important as the product.  We want them to value their ability to hang in there, to practice, to persist.  We want them to view a mistake -- not as proof of failure -- but as an opportunity to learn something they never knew before. e